aiya aiya

update.

i'm truly sorry for being late yesterday.. TRULY AM. idk, after i received that call, i just want to rest my head and SLEEP FOREVER. I cant bear it anymore, it's too much to take in. I"M JUST USELESS. ya spell that out, U-S-E-L-E-S-S. Useless to my mom, my team mates, EVERYONE, why i am here still? tell me? why cant i do anything good? everything just turn BAD, WORSE because of who? ME!!! ME ME ME !!!! I HATE MYSELF. when i reached school , the teacher was scolding me, shouting at me, i dun even care, i just mumbled sorry to him, and surpressed all my feelings inside me, and walked like a TRULY ZOMBIE. feelingless. i cant hear what the teacher said, it's seems his voice was very FAR AWAY. i cant concentrate what was veron saying to me, all i can see is , a moving lips, trying to console me, i dunnoe why suddenly my tears came down, without me acknowledging it, i dunnoe why suddenly my fingers press to my mum's number, and asked her how was she, i dunnoe how i trained, just hit the ball anywhere, i dunnoe why i just punch the wall, kicking it, without noticing, i dunnooe why i shouted out of anger, i dunnoe how i trained, ALL I COULD REMEMBER IS, keeping my smile, a fake smile, to everybody in my team, trying to focus, but I JUST CANT!!!!!!!!!!! I STILL BROKE INTO ANGER, where i involve everybody, and let them see. I"M USELESS! i cant even control my feelings. EVEN TODAY, i tried to hide it, hide everything inside me, but i still show my anger, kicked the ball so hard, i cant even spike the ball, dig the ball, all the ball just go out of place, EVERYTHING IS OUT OF PLACE. my mind is out place. EVERYTHING. mdm salina told me to LET IT GO. I TRIED, I TRIED SO HARD, BUT WHEN THE MORE I THINK OF IT, THE MORE ANGRY I BECAME. I TRIED. so hard. i cant even help myself. i cant even talk it out to my friends, i cant. i just cant. I HATE MYSELF. I"M USELESS AND PATHETIC. i'm even more pathetic to blog about this. NOBODY will understand. how i wish yesterday, i would sleep forever and everybody will forget about me, and i wont have to worry about anybody.

i hate myself.

thanks for consoling and try to cheer me up. I TRULY APPRECIATE IT. but sorry i cant help it, cause i'm useless. sorry.

and 4 days to go...